Overnight Thread

By Wyatt Earp | August 1, 2011 12:00 am

Although I wasn’t planning to post an overnight thread tonight, one of our jobs at work compelled me to do so.

One of the police officers brought in a burglary report. It happened a day or so ago, but the doer took the time to enter the residence and root around for anything of value. Just a run of the mill job, right? Not so much.

There was only one thing reported missing by the complainant: a framed photo of President Barack Obama.

Seriously.

The complainant reported the value of the framed photo as being $200. That has to be a mistake, since the actual Barack Obama is barely worth $200.

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Let’s Play Some God-Damned Cards!

By Wyatt Earp | July 31, 2011 7:15 pm

Last night, Randal and Mrs. Graves hosted another crap-tacular Poker Night at their home. Don’t get me wrong; their poker nights are always fantastic affairs, but the fact that I almost universally end up wearing a barrel home makes the night crap-tacular. In attendance were Randal and Mrs. Graves, Dr. Evil, The Evil Artist, Cousin Kevin, Uncle Ray, Mama Earp – my mom – and myself. As always, the event showcased good food, good drink, and some wood-inspiring desserts from The Evil Artist.

Poker Night is always interesting because every player involved is a snarky, sarcastic bastard like myself. You have to be at the top of your insult game to get a seat at the table, and most of us were in rare form. Amazingly, I was in rare form when it came to the game. I was winning – occasionally at first – then more often as the night went on. I don’t play often, so it takes me a while to get into a groove, but pretty soon, I was one of the last four standing sitting.

A short time later, The Evil Artist dropped out, leaving me and Mrs. Graves. I couldn’t believe I was still alive this late in the game. We went back and forth for about an hour, losing, then winning, then losing chips as we went. A little before 2am, Mrs. Graves, low on chips, went all in. Randal dropped the cards, and . . . I won!

Of course, the night was not without its excitement. Early in the evening, The Evil Artist made her way to the food table, munched on some tortilla chips, and came back to the table with a food plate for her and Dr. Evil. She stopped behind Dr. Evil, arched her head back and made a face like she was going to sneeze. She didn’t, and we all started laughing. The Evil Artist didn’t say a word, and had the same face. Something was wrong.

Mrs. Graves, a nurse, asked her, “Are you choking?” The Artist nodded her head. Mrs. Graves and I got up and ran over to her, where Mrs. Graves performed the Heimlich and cleared the obstruction. When she recovered, the Artist claimed she was choking on a chip and couldn’t make the universal sign for choking because her hands were full.

For those unfamiliar, the universal sign for choking is below the fold.

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Xbox Has Some Killer New Games

By Wyatt Earp | July 31, 2011 1:15 pm

Remember when your mom came downstairs and yelled at you for playing too many games? “You’ll turn into a vegetable and get some lousy job like police officer!” That was my mom’s line.

Okay, she was right. But apparently, now. This is exactly how Skynet started.

The family of a budding computer programmer have on Saturday launched a campaign to raise awareness about the health risks of playing online computer games after their son died following a marathon session on his Xbox. A post-mortem revealed that 20-year-old Chris Staniforth – who was offered a place to study Game Design at Leicester University – was killed by a pulmonary embolism, which can occur if someone sits in the same position for several hours.

Deep vein thrombosis normally affects passengers on long flights, but medical experts fear youngsters who spend hours glued to their consoles might also be at risk and have urged them to take regular breaks.

I’m gonna look right into this . . . just as soon as I clear this level of Halo.

Petra Ecclestone: Deep Thinker

By Wyatt Earp | July 31, 2011 7:15 am

Just when you thought America cornered the market on wealthy, spoiled bints, a new contender has emerged.

22-year-old BILLION-heiress Petra Ecclestone, the chick who just bought Candy Spelling’s mansion for $85 MILLION, says she’s NOT spoiled; she’s privileged – and there’s a HUGE difference.

When asked why she didn’t use the money to pay for affordable homes for 1000′s of families, she replied, “I help as much as I can, but at the end of the day … however much the house has costed, that’s not going to kind of I dunno … like change the world I don’t think.”

Petra, daughter of a Formula 1 racing tycoon, added, “I’m not going to not live in a certain way just because there are people less fortunate than I am.”

Like, you know, whatever! Vapid slob.

Former Eagles QB Kolb Speaks His Mind

By Wyatt Earp | July 30, 2011 7:00 pm

And *gasp* he joked that Philly is a dirty city. It’s not a joke, Kevin; this town is filthier than Snooki’s cooter.

Former Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Kevin Kolb reportedly remarked to the Arizona press that he liked Phoenix because it was a clean area, unlike Philadelphia. He said he was impressed by the Phoenix area and the Cardinals when he was there for the NFC title game, and liked how clean the area was.

“Granted, I was coming from Philadelphia,” Kolb added as he reportedly smiled.

I suspect hundreds of drunken, illiterate Eagles fans will be burning Kolb in effigy today. The ironic part of this is that he’s right. I’ve been to Phoenix, and it is much, much cleaner than Philadelphia.

Although I’m not an Eagles fan, I feel bad for Kolb. He never got a real shot here, and was benched for a scumbag felon with little talent and a big mouth.

Wal-Mart Asks Bikini-Clad Woman To Cover Up

By Wyatt Earp | July 30, 2011 1:00 pm

You know, Wal-Mart get a really bad rap. Some of it is justified, some of it is not. Personally, I like shopping there – even though we only do it occasionally.

Wal-Mart’s customers, however, get an even worse rap than the store itself. A lot of that is justified. Hell, why do you think “People of Wal-Mart” is so popular? Of course, not every Wal-Mart customer is a raving freak show candidate, but once in a while someone breaks on through and ruins the bell curve for everyone.

Meet Sandy McMillin. Sandy is probably a lovely woman who just wants to mind her own business and shop in her favorite store. Unfortunately, her shopping ensemble needs a lot to be desired.

An Oregon woman says she was told to put a shirt over her bikini top while shopping at Wal-Mart or leave the store. Sandy McMillin told The Register-Guard she was shopping at a Eugene Wal-Mart with her sister last weekend when a store employee confronted her and claimed she may be violating health regulations.

An attorney for the 51-year-old McMillin said the experience was embarrassing . . .

Sandy, with all due respect, you’re 51. You should be grateful that customers weren’t vomiting into their sandals.

Sorry, but unless you’re Valerie Bertinelli, you’re gonna be asked to cover up.

Pr0n Stars: Nice To Look At…

By Wyatt Earp | July 30, 2011 7:00 am

But you damned sure don’t want to get involved with one.

Janine Lindemulder was already arrested once this year after harassing Jesse James over their daughter Sunny. But the West Coast Choppers owner’s former wife found herself back in custody this week after she reportedly called Jesse over 25 times following the court ruling on Monday.

Janine called Jesse over and over again wanting to discuss their custody arrangement and wanting to talk to their daughter, James told police.

I’d feel sorry for Jesse, but after that tool cheated on Sandra Bullock with some ugly-ass tattooed chick, I think I’ll save my sympathy for someone more deserving.

Weekend Caption Contest

By Wyatt Earp | July 29, 2011 9:45 pm

Secretary Of Weight Caption Contest
(Source: Daylife)

Caption this photo in the comments section or e-mail me your photoshop entries. The winners will be posted on Monday, August 1st. Good luck!

Original Caption: U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton walks from her airplane upon arrival at Ngurah Rai International Airport in Denpasar, Bali, Indonesia, Thursday, July 21, 2011.

Other Current Contests:
Cowboy Blob
Rodney Dill
The Jawa Report
V The K
Wizbang

Senate Tables Latest House Debt Bill

By Wyatt Earp | July 29, 2011 4:45 pm

After weeks of claiming a debt deal needed to be done by August 2nd, the Democrats tabled the latest House plan. For those of you who don’t know the term “tabling,” the Senate refused to even consider the bill that the House just passed. It is the second time Harry Reid refused to even bring the bill to the floor for a vote. Remember that the next time a liberal tells you this is all the GOP’s fault.

The House narrowly passed GOP debt-limit legislation Friday after Republican leaders revised it to gain the support of recalcitrant tea party conservatives, but the Senate swiftly moved to block it from consideration in their chamber.

The Senate voted 59 to 41 to table a bill offered by House Speaker John A. Boehner that would lift the federal debt ceiling. That vote came about two hours after the House passed the bill 218 to 210. House Democrats were united in opposing the Boehner bill while 22 House Republicans broke from their leader despite his intensive lobbying efforts and his attempt to revise to more of their liking.

Boehner’s latest plan wasn’t great – at all – but it would have enabled the debt increase the country so desperately needs. And still Reid refused to even bring it to the floor.

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Facebook: You’re Doing It Wrong

By Wyatt Earp | July 29, 2011 11:45 am

Meet the lovely and talented Victor Burgos. When he’s not slapping women around, he likes posting on Facebook. And like far too many people in this country, Victor posts far too much information on his FB page.

Recently, Vic was honored with a spot on Utica’s top ten most wanted list. Normally, this would be met with chagrin from most people. Not for Victor; he beamed with pride.

Then he posted a FB message to the police.

A fugitive from upstate New York who taunted police on his Facebook page to `catch me if you can. I’m in Brooklyn’ has been arrested. The Daily News says U.S. marshals and NYPD detectives tracked Victor Burgos down to an apartment in Brooklyn’s Bedford-Stuyvesant neighborhood Monday night, sitting at his computer with his Facebook page open.

The suspect was wanted by Utica police on multiple arrest warrants for domestic violence and harassment of his former girlfriend. He allegedly issued the Facebook challenge after his mug shot appeared on the Utica Police Department’s 10 most wanted list. (H/T – Parrothead Jeff)

Jerkass. Burgos has since changed his Facebook status to “Bent Over.”